Rejection started at an early age for me. I was born to a mother who didn’t want me. She decided that she would leave me and my father to figure out our lives without her. Happy BIRTHday.
Acceptance also started at an early age. My grandparents in conjunction with my father wanted a girl. My paternal grandmother had given birth to four boys (three made it to adulthood, one died as an infant). She said she always wanted a girl. She was such an accomplished seamstress – no wonder – finally her creative outlet for little girl clothes was satisfied. I was their doll AND one of their desires fulfilled by God.
So it was that I was released into the care of my father and my grandparents. Life began for me. A journey of learning that had both hard times and good times – joy and sadness – much like a typical life.
As a young girl, I experienced rejection and acceptance from many sources. From family (other than my mother), from friends, a boyfriend, employers. I have a resume of rejection experiences. Sadly the rejection experiences have been burned in my brain and haunt me during unexpected times. I crave acceptance on so many levels and I have been trying to understand why it is such an intense desire for me. It’s an unfulfilled obsession that I honestly have had a hard time with it.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot, again recently, and I had an ‘aha moment’ today in my prayer time (remember my prayer closet is my car) – you know the light switch is flicked and you can see an answer so clearly – you wonder why it was ever an issue for you. It happened on the Don Valley Parkway today as I was trying to focus on safe arrival at a meeting and having a tender, raw conversation with God.
I’ve been fussing over these words ‘rejection and acceptance’ for a very, very long time. I’ve been hurt by them, frustrated by them, challenged by them and humbled by them. I need some resolution on why this skeleton in my closet cannot be put to rest.
I can tell you that I am a champion of the underdog, the disenfranchised, the hurt, the small, animals…I am accepting in general. I live in the ‘now’ and move from day to day, typically. There are certain memories of my life (far past and not so distant past) that replay in my mind like a very sad movie. The mere touching of this topic makes me feel raw. I have to pursue it and I am hoping that through this blog, I can bring clarity and take one step forward in the healing process.
My kids are constantly telling me ‘I over think things’ – overly analytical about situations, words and relationships. Today I have some clearer understanding as to why (and now hopefully they will too).
When you tell a child or a young person ‘get out of here’ – ‘shut up will you’ – ‘what do you want’ – ‘I don’t need you’ – ‘I’m moving on’ – ‘we don’t fit with you’ – ‘you’re not part of this family’- or any such phrases that cut you to the core and establish the fact that you are less than acceptable – (I know, I’m ranting) – these words cut you down so small – you might not ever recover emotionally.
I have had the amazing benefit of a long and happy marriage to the most wonderful man on the planet – and it has saved my life. This is no exxageration. I was a bitter, angry young person prior to meeting and marrying My Beloved. It was through his unconditional love and acceptance, that wounds began to heal and my life became worthwhile. It’s not to say that my life has been untouched since that point in time – because I can assure you it has not.
However when I think about my grandson and some of the ways that history repeats itself even when you would like to stop it – today I realized – my own journey starting with day one of my life on earth – has shaped my sensitivity to the concept of acceptance (and ultimately respect) BECAUSE of my experiences with rejection – both as a child and as an adult. So today the lightbulb came on – the turbulence of this learning experience is yielding something very good.
My heart is open. I will try to avoid any experiences that will build upon the negative impulses that create the profound sadness I have been feeling. BUT…WHEN (and I do mean WHEN), it happens again (tomorrow, next week or whenever) – I have to remember that God has bigger plans for me than my fellow man who chooses to try and hurt me. God is my Protector, my Champion, my Friend, and most importantly my Father. This was my lightbulb moment of this morning in my prayer closet.
Rejection has yielded the response of acceptance. Through each situation – my heart remains open – I am not the judge. I am not the jury. That is the business of my Heavenly Father who loves me more than anyone. I am in GOOD HANDS. Safe and secure.